Important factors to consider when choosing a new house

I just moved house. It wasn't by choice. We rent (we also own, long story) and the landlord decided it was prime time to re-architect. Therefore, new house.

So off we went. We considered a number of factors in choosing the new house.

  • Location, location, location, location. Also, location. Sydney's Inner West, not far from our previous abode.
  • Single storey for @tinydalek, who is not very good at stairs.
  • Three bedrooms (one to sleep, two as "playrooms")
  • Garden for dog
  • Away from main road for cat
  • Sufficient power sockets and a big-ass fusebox for many computers and electric instruments
  • Zombie apocalypse survivability index

This last item I'm sure not enough people consider, but I'd like to lay out a case for its inclusion in your moving plan.

First of all, our new house has a lockable, gated driveway. This makes getting multiple people into a vehicle for supply forays much easier in the case of a zombie apocalypse, especially when one is mobility impaired. It keeps the zombies away from the main part of your building, and gives a nice field of vision so you can check how the street is going before one person handles the gate. It also means local chavs are less likely to nick or vandalise your car. Bonus.

It has barred windows. Important in zombie apocalypse scenarios, when an unbarred window forms a weak point for zombie intrusion. It also keeps burgling chav bastards out of your consumer electronics collection.

It has a large kitchen, so plenty of storage space for a protracted siege. It also has a second cooker in the laundry, for some reason, and a second toilet. Hey, I'm not complaining. It means I could cater for a larger party of survivors, for example, some good friends of mine, who are invited when the zombies attack. It also means barbecues, when rained off, are recoverable, and easier to handle overall.

It's spacious. So protracted zombie siege conditions will be less likely to result in cabin fever ending in the inevitable survivor vs. survivor scenario, thus cutting the amount of useful non-zombie manpower.

It is fenced all around with 2m metal fencing. This means should neighbouring properties fall to zombie incursion, our compound will remain secure and defensible, providing the zombie density doesn't reach a point where invading zombies can merely walk over the piled bodies of their fallen comrades six feet deep. As a bonus, it also means the neighbours can't see in.

It has a covered carport area out back. This means in the event of the zombie apocalypse, I can set up a workshop area to build fiendish zombie-killing devices, even in inclement weather, and maintain my means of transport. It also means I can park my car under cover and not get piss wet through on the way to work. Apart from opening the driveway gates, of course.

It is attached to an empty, disused shop. This means in the event of zombie apocalypse, We can bust through and utilise the extra space. It also means we're set way back off the street away from the road noise.

It is equipped with a massive water tank out back. In zombie scenarios, this would be most useful. Haven't quite figured it out how it's useful right now, though. Also in this category is the tree with power cords running from it, a strange pit in the back garden and a LOT of empty sodium hypochrorite tubs. Hmmm.

It's also fairly anonymous, a bit hidden away and not simple to find, meaning zombies, which aren't smart, won't find it all that easily. This also seems to apply to pizza delivery drivers, who are reduced to wandering around on the street outside shouting "HELLOOOO??"

So it's not all good.

But, you know... rough with the smooth and all that.

It occurs to me that velociraptor infestations may also be relatively well contained here, though it lacks for heavy weaponry and industrial poisons for injection into cloned dinosaur eggs.

Daleks? We're fucked. But then, isn't everyone these days?

posted @ Tuesday, October 5, 2010 12:38 AM

 
 
 

Comments on this entry:

# re: Important factors to consider when choosing a new house

Left by Ripples at 10/5/2010 2:57 PM
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I am very pleased you have recognized the importance and connection of the Zombie Apocalypse in home selection and the usability/utility of a home.

The simple answer on the water tank is that during Zombie apocalypse there will be the inevitable breakdown of utilities and water supply may be an issue. Hopefully the Sydney pollution levels will be reduced post apocalypse rendering the water potable.

# re: Important factors to consider when choosing a new house

Left by Dianne at 10/8/2010 4:45 PM
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you forgot about the velociraptors…

# re: Important factors to consider when choosing a new house

Left by Jason at 10/11/2010 9:29 AM
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No I didn't.

Velociraptors are definitely mentioned. They'd be a little more problematic, since the ones in the movie are tall and can jump.

Luckily, the ones in the movie were oversized. Actual velociraptors were small-to-mid-size dromaeosaurs and would be more like 3ft tall at the hip. They'd have trouble with the fences.

Deinonychus or Utahraptor, though.... they'd be a problem. They'd be able to scramble over the fence and eat my face off, easily.
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