In a blogging exclusive, I am today able to reveal a hitherto unseen Scooby Doo screenplay, from the writers of the original, and superior, "Scooby Doo, Where Are You?" series. It was discovered in, of all places, a garage sale in Cootamundra, NSW, and has made its way to me through a network of contacts.
As with all Scooby Doo, Where Are You? episodes, the screenplay is a sophisticated allegory playing on larger societal themes, often bringing cultural morés into sharp relief in order that the audience may have their frontiers expanded by the dénouement.
Anyway, here's the episode, in full, after the original theme music
Scene: A golden beach, fringed with palm trees. A portable record player spins nearby, and a volleyball net stands in the background, at which are two muscular young chaps in red speedos and Aussie lifesaving caps, playing, unsurprisingly, volleyball. We see Velma and Daphne, dressed - for some reason - in modest swimsuits of exactly the same colour as their normal clothes.
Velma: It sure was nice of our old friends Adam and Steve to invite us to their wedding here in Sunny Australia, huh Daphne?
Daphne: Sure was Velma, and this beach on Queensland's swinging Gold Coast is a great place for the pre-wedding barbecue and teenage hop.
(Enter Shaggy and Fred, with Scooby)
Fred: Hey Gang! Shaggy and I have an announcement to make.
(They gather round, Adam and Steve, who were playing Volleyball, included)
Fred: Well, as you know, Shaggy and I have been "best pals" for a really long time now, and we think it might be time to go a little step further
Shaggy: Yep, and we've talked with Adam and Steve about this (the guys nod), and the wedding this weekend will be.... A DOUBLE WEDDING!
Fred: Well, OK, it's only a Civil Union, but it's still great, and we can call it a wedding if we want. Queensland is so groovy and forward looking! I love you Shaggy!
Shaggy: I love you, Fred!
(cries of "jinkies"! "hurrah!", "ronraruration!" and "fuckeroo!". The latter will, of course, be cut from the final edit, despite protests about it being "authentic aussie". Only Daphne seems unsure, but soon joins in with the celebration and general grooving. fade to next scene)
Scene: The wedding day, outside "Queensland Town Hall". The guys are preparing to formalise their civil union, before heading back to the beach for more grooving. Queensland President Kimbell Neuberg is congratulating the happy couples. He wears an outsize rosette which reads "Prime Minister". Shaggy and Fred, and Adam and Steve, are smartly dressed in formal suits and holding hands. For some reason, Fred still has the same cravat and his suit is white
Kimbell: I sure am glad to have you guys here for your civil union. As you know, Queensland is quite hip and groovy nowadays.
Shaggy: Gee thanks, Mr Mayor. Say, do you have any food? I'm, like, quite nervous and stuff
SUDDENLY: A roar comes from behind Queensland Town Hall and into view steps a large theropod dinosaur. The prominent sail on its back and narrow snout mark it out as Spinosaurus aegyptiacus, not that any of you phillistines care. It's a big carnivorous dinosaur, right? Just imagine it and shut up. Yes, it might have feathers. Whatever.
The crowd scatters
Kimbell (rather stiffly): OH NO! It's The Beast of the Arid Interior, come back through the eons to eat anyone who entertains the thought of equal marriage for all. One of you must have referred to your union as a "wedding"! You've doomed us all, you fools!
Cut to Fred, who is rubbing his chin thoughtfully and looking towards the departing Kimbell
In the background, mayhem ensues, cars are overturned, people are dismembered and their body parts scattered around the town square. Some dogs and a puppy bearing a strange, perhaps familial resemblance to Scooby are plucked from their hiding places and guesomely chomped, with only the half-finished words "TADADADADADA! PUPPY P?!?" making it out.
Several people have run for the safety of a Gloria Jeans outlet across the square, which the dinosaur seems to be assiduously avoiding, while it's entirely trashed a freethought bookshop, an abortion clinic and a mosque. Cut to Velma, who is adjusting her glasses thoughtfully.
A stray piece of rubble strikes her a glancing blow. She loses her glasses. Daphne rushes in and rescues Velma, carrying her away heroically.
We cut to Scooby and Shaggy, who have escaped from the mayhem into a Pie Face outlet.
Shaggy: I think we're safe in here Scoob. Say, those pies look kinda delicious.
They grab three pies each, assembling them into a stack, and poise to eat. The roof is torn off by the dinosaur. They pause, say "Zoinks" and "Ruh-Roh", and duck through a gap into the Pie Face outlet next door. The scene repeats, this time with stacks of six pies.
Again the dinosaur removes the roof before they can eat. They duck through a gap into the Pie Face outlet next door. This time they stack nine pies, but yet again the dinosaur tears off the roof. They duck through a gap into the Pie Face outlet next door. Twelve pies. Roof. They duck through a gap into the Pie Face outlet next door. Fifteen pies. Roof. They duck through a gap into the Pie Face outlet next door. Eighteen Pies, Roof.
They duck through a gap expecting a Pie Face, but instead they find themselves in a Mad Mex*.
Quickly, they swallow the eighteen-pie stacks, in Shaggy's case raising no questions at all about why Fred wants to marry him, and duck into a back room.
The dinosaur tears the roof off.
We see Shaggy and Scooby, dressed in Sombreros and Ponchos, each with guitars and an array of maracas hanging off them. They launch into a somewhat tuneful version of "Guantanamera", which somehow blends into, and ends up becoming, "La Cucaracha". The dinosaur, however, is distracted by a small catholic shrine to the Virgin of Guadelupe in the corner. They guys make their escape, The dinosaur makes a comedically puzzled noise, then leaves.
Blackout, commercial break.
Scene: The ruined Queensland Town Square. Kimbell is making a proclamation
Kimbell: ... and because of the re-apparance of The Beast From The Arid Interior, I'm going to have to repeal laws allowing civil unions. I'm sorry, gayers, but my hands are tied. No-one wants to stand up to dinosaurs, let's be frank about this. I'm taking no questions. Thank You!
Fred manages to get a hand to Kimbell's shoulder as he leaves the square.
Fred: Mr Neueberg sir, I have a quick question about the beast if I may.
Kimbell: What? Oh, it's you. One of them kids that were at the square yesterday. And you're american too. You're quite a long way from homo... I mean home. Definitely home.
Fred: Yessir, well, I investigate mysteries with my gang in our mystery machine. I was wondering if you could tell us about the beast.
Kimbell: Well, OK. I suppose there's no harm in it. An ancient prophecy, written for some reason on Queensland Town Hall notepaper, was vouchsafed to us by our forebears, and it reads that whoever shall raise the spectre of equal marriage for all shall incur the wrath of The Beast. It's all here. You can keep that copy, I have plenty more. (he hands over a sheet of Town Hall notepaper. Fred Takes it.
Kimbell exits. We see fred look down at the notepaper. The astute will note that some of the ink has rubbed off on Fred's fingers. He rubs his chin thoughtfully, leaving a hilarious smudge mark.
The Gang join Fred
Fred: Velma, Kimbell just gave me this strange piece of paper. Take a look.
Velma reads, the gang gather round. We note that Daphne and Velma are closer than usual. Very close, in fact.
Velma: It says here that the Beast, an ancient reptile over 4000 years old that has not been seen since antediluvian times, shall sally forth, should the evil spectre of gay marriage be raised in our time. It says that the Beast will strike down with great vengeance, etcetera etcetera, on anyone who dares to "abuse the sanctity of traditional marriage". Jinkies. It also says that The Beast will respond to all and any publically posted notifications of marriage between two "filthy homos", and eat the participants. Double Jinkies. Oh, and at the bottom it says "The Beast is totally not animatronic".
Fred: And that gives me a plan that might just help us catch this "Beast"
End scene, cut to later that afternoon. The gang are at SeaWorld, where a giant crane is lifting ShamWow the Killer Whale into his new enclosure. We see Fred handing over what is known in the trade as "a bundle of readies" to the crane driver. We see the rest of the gang carrying in flowers, chairs and a lectern.
Scene: A wedding next to the KIller Whale enclosure. At the lectern stand Adam and Steve, resplendent in their lifesavers' red and yellow. Daphne and Velma are dressed as flower girls, still, bizarrely, in the same colours they usually wear. Fred lurks behind the crane. You remembered the crane from the previous scene, right?
At the lectern stands a nervous Shaggy, back in his formal wear. The wedding march (70s grooveadelic version) strikes up. It's played by Josie and the Pussycats, in the background.
Down the aisle walks Scooby Doo, resplendent in puffy white wedding dress and over-the-top makeup. He is camping it up Mardi-Gras style and is accompanied by the Crane Driver, who is holding a box of Scooby Snacks. Flower petals are showered. He stops. All is ready. Fred gives a thumbs up from the crane.
Steve (or possibly Adam): Dearly Beloved...
Chaos ensues! The dinosaur has arrived to wreak havoc. It smashes the pews and rends the flowers asunder. It proceeds to chase Scooby and Shaggy around and around the whale enclosure. Scooby and Shaggy, both well rehearsed in monster-distraction, are running rings around the Spinosaur, which, as a result, is getting dizzy. With each pass around the enclosure, another part of the vows are exchanged, enraging the creature, and the dino collides with a new piece of landscape. Every collision reveals a piece of spring, or wiring, or a cog. Soon, the vows are complete, and Scooby, taking a bow, throws the wedding bouquet over his shoulder... and... the Spinosaur treads on it, slips, lands in the wedding cake, and finally gets hooked on the crane, which Fred quickly fires into action!
The monster is captured!
Cut to conclusion. The dinosaur hangs upside down, trussed like a shark, and is plainly seen to be animatronic.
There is lots of chatter along the lines of "It's the beast all right". "No! The beast were bigger!". It's all getting a bit nautical.
Forward steps Velma. She runs her fingernails down a blackboard, which, for some unaccountable reason, is nearby.
Velma: YOU ALL KNOW US. (the crowd quiets down). You all know how we make our livin'. Now this may be our monster and it may not, and there's only one way to be sure. Let's see who's behind this! (Daphne swoons)
At a nod from Velma, Fred steps forward and strikes the beast on the snout. The jaw opens and out tumbles... KIMBELL NEUEBERG??
All: KIMBELL NEUEBERG?!?!
Kimbell: It wasn't me. They made me do it.
Shaggy: Like, wait, man. You're supposed to say "I would have done it too if it wasn't for you meddling kids". And we know it was you. So, like, make with the quote.
Kimbell: OK. Maybe it was me a bit, but it was them too!
He strikes the nose again. Out tumble The Happy Clappers.
All: THE HAPPY CLAPPERS??
Happy Clappers: We would have done it too if it wasn't for you meddling kids!
Shaggy: BOOM, THERE IT IS!
Happy Clappers: But wait. It was also...
They strike the nose. Out tumbles JIm Wallace and the Australian Christian Lobby
All: JIM WALLACE AND THE AUSTRALIAN CHRISTIAN LOBBY??
Jim mutters to himself about "bloody gays, never had them in my army", then stands.
Jim: You think you're so smart, well you'll never find out who's really behind all this. We brushed it so far under the carpet that...
Fred strikes the nose
Out tumble the senior management of Gloria Jeans, the senior clergy of HIllsong (often the same person) and several other corporates who really ought to have been reined in long ago AND a political party that actually has a vote in several legislatures.
All: THE SENIOR MANAGEMENT OF GLORIA JEANS, THE SENIOR CLERGY OF HILLSONG (OFTEN THE SAME PERSON) AND SEVERAL OTHER CORPORATES WHO REALLY OUGHT TO HAVE BEEN REINED IN LONG AGO AND A POLITICAL PARTY THAT ACTUALLY HAS A VOTE IN SEVERAL LEGISLATURES??
A Queensland cop steps forward, he's dressed in colourful board shorts, obviously. Like I needed to say it.
Cop: Well, that about wraps it up, crikey, Oi'll be taking these guys off to the station, strewth and fuckeroo**
Just then, the wedding cake, which was impaled on the dinosaur's spines, falls onto the pile of malefactors, covering them in icing.
Laughs all round
Shaggy: Well, I guess they all got their Just Desserts, right Scoob??
Scooby: ROOBY ROOBY ROOOOOOOO!
The real irony, of course, is that the cake was a coffee cake. Of course, I have no idea what it all means. I leave interpretation for future generations.
* That could have gone on so much longer. Seriously
** again, cut from the final edit