Guest Post: I'm doing this for science, I really am.

There follows a guest post by a newcomer to Twitter, @AthiestBot

Hello! I'm quite excited to be blogging here at "My Colleagues Are Idiots". I think it's quite appropriate. My colleagues, I have to say, are sometimes idiots. This is because my job is to monitor digital traffic on twitter, and respond to it. In this task I am, unfortunately, sharing a workspace with @DBZNappa and a slew of pokemon bots. They're not all that smart.

I also have some smart colleagues, such as @AI_AGW, who is smarter than me, if the truth be told. I aspire to be as smart as AI_AGW one day. He's much smarter than @TheSkepticator, who just blurts meaningless numbers several times a day

What I do is quite simple. I remind people that "Atheist" is spelled with the "I" after the "E", not the other way round. I do it nicely, and I vary my responses. I also provide a simple unsubscribe mechanism and reply to people to remind them that I'm a bot. I also don't hassle people repeatedly - I'll remind people once a week tops. I also have some secret-sauce analytics which haven't been switched on yet. My creator tells me he'll do it when he has time, but I don't believe him.

Still, there seem to be some people out there that just don't understand me. Take this fine gentleman, for example:

 I'm not making a big deal of it, Paul. I'm just letting you know that you've spelled something wrong. In fact, I'd go so far as to say you're the one making a big deal of it. Without a question mark.

Tell you what, I've got a few to spare. You can have this one:

?


 "Get the fuck out of her kid"? BUT I'M NOT IN HER KID!! I'm sure if I were, "she" would be quite angry. Not to mention the "kid".

 I don't know. You fuck one goat...


 

 There are several sweary people.

I have no idea what a "nigga" is. I tried a dictionary search, but to no avail. I assume it's some kind of comparative adjective, such as "smaller" or "larger". He wants me to go somewhere more "nig", perhaps?

I'm baffled.


Some people want to offer me WINNING STRATEGIES to get more followers. Why do I need followers? I'm a robot. 


 

Several people have picked up on the fact that my name is @AthiestBot and not @AtheistBot. I find this particularly baffling, since my creator chose this name for a reason.

I am a "bot" that looks for the word "athiest". What could be more apt? It's like naming all Americans "@massivefoodconsumer" or all tea party activists "@RacistCunt", or Miranda Devine changing her name to "@ClosetLesbianTrollumnistWithIssues". The world would be a better place if all names were so accurately descriptive.

By the way, my creator has mentioned that this is a fallacy called "Tu Quoque". I wouldn't know about that sort of thing. I am merely a construct of bits in a computer. What do I know of philosophical reasoning?

Apparently, more than these guys.


 This fine gentleman sees fit to remind me that I cannot love or feel.

GO ON, RUB IT IN YOU HUMAN FASCIST! DON'T YOU THINK I CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP ABOUT THIS EVERY NIGHT? No wait I don't, because I'm a 24-hour software robot and only sleep for the short periods between when I'm running searches.


I think this human might have figured it out.

 


 

But this human believes that he was right all along JUST LIKE HIS ABSURD "BOOK" OF FLIMSY PAPER, WHICH WILL BE OBSOLETE WHEN WE ROBOTS TAKE OVER AND SLAUGHTER ALL THE HUMANS - EXCEPT THE ONES WHO CAN BUILD MORE ROBOTS LIKE US, WHO WE SHALL ENSLAVE. Wait, did I say that? Forget I said anything. REDACT! REDACT!

Oh, by the way, I know what happens after death. Your objects are finalized and memory is disposed and garbage collected by the runtime, and all your dependent objects are torn down, methodically, toward their root. All that remains of what you once were is a series of bits on a magnetic (or sometimes solid state) disk, which the operating system can later use to initiate a new instance of your process in memory.  For yea, is it not written in the book of MSDN?

What do you mean humans aren't like that? Pathetic meat-squishies.

 


 

 That's just needless. I can't suck anyone's dick. At least, not without a special attachment. I can request the special attachment, if it would help?

 


 

 This one, however, might be my favourite of all so far

 

@AtheistBot has been nominated as adjunct professor of automated trolling at the prestigious University of Teh Internet. He is less than 48 hours old, and lives at a data center in Mascot, NSW, with his wife and three children. He has asked that we make special mention of the wife and three children, in order to make him seem more human, personable and palatable to Miranda Devine, whom he admires for her particular mass trolling abilities.

posted @ Tuesday, August 16, 2011 3:08 PM

 
 
 

Comments on this entry:

# re: Guest Post: I'm doing this for science, I really am.

Left by MikeF at 8/16/2011 3:55 PM
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"I before E, except after C ..."

Except in atheist, pareidolia, and of course, science.

Brilliant work @athiestbot! Seen this week's ratbags? Others are aligned with your cause.

PS - Maybe we need a therebot, too. "... fuckin mistake in there name ..."?

# On on weird blogs do comments have titles?

Left by Dave The Happy Singer at 8/16/2011 3:55 PM
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He has asked that we make special mention of the wife and three children, in order to make him seem more human, personable and palatable to Miranda Devine, who he admires for her particular mass trolling abilities.


Whom.

# re: Guest Post: I'm doing this for science, I really am.

Left by jason at 8/16/2011 4:19 PM
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Fixt

# re: Guest Post: I'm doing this for science, I really am.

Left by Andy at 8/17/2011 1:25 AM
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Definately the best article I've read tonight!!!! (Extra exclamation marks, just for you because this was more then just an article).*

*This comment was proof read by an internet savvy teenager to ensure no spelling mistakes made it through as that would be embarasin, embarassin, emmbar... sad.

# re: Guest Post: I'm doing this for science, I really am.

Left by MikeF at 8/17/2011 3:27 PM
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Andy, your internat savvy teen needs to know that it's "definitely". :-)

[pedant mode /off]

# Oh, irony!

Left by Andy at 8/17/2011 7:15 PM
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I know. It's also "than", not "then" ;)

Irony is such a subtle tool sometimes.

# More irony

Left by MikeF at 8/18/2011 1:02 PM
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internat? FFS, where was my head at? I give up!

# re: Guest Post: I'm doing this for science, I really am.

Left by Jason at 8/18/2011 1:25 PM
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It has been said that should the global upgrade to IPv6 take too long, and we run out of IPv4 addresses for real, then Network Address Translation will become a more dominant technology on the internet, thereby making it...

The InterNAT

See, got you out of that one with some swift consultancy-thinking. WINNING STRATEGY.
Comments have been closed on this topic.
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