Because Biology (a play in two acts)

ACT ONE: The Problem

The scene: The war room of the Australian Religio-Social Ethics (Heterosexuals Only, Lesbians Excluded) Society. A large, windowless vault, in which a large boardroom table stands, lit harshly from above. Nearby is a large buffet table, laden with the fruits of a lavish lifestyle. A large, somewhat homoerotic ice sculpture of St Sebastian Pierced By The Arrows is slowly melting into a pool in the centre of the table, slightly waterlogging the caviar bowls. A number of dark-suited functionaries stand discreetly in the shadows.

Around the boardroom table, dressed smartly in suits and robes of office, are seated The Religious Spokesmen. One is in the robes of a catholic cardinal. Another in military garb. Many others are in business suits. A meeting is clearly in progress. Papers are shuffled. Hands fidget with rosary beads, dog-eared bibles and cheap plastic jesus bobbleheads. The chairman speaks:

Chairman: So we're all agreed on Measure 22, "Richard Dawkins is a poopy-head" and now we move on to Measure 23. Gentlemen, this is a sticky one. Marriage for "the gays" (his fingers make airquotes and his lip curls into a sneer)

The Religious Spokesmen break into a hubbub. This is obviously an unpopular idea. Lyle leaps to his feet and speaks.

Lyle:  WILL NO-ONE THINK OF MY POOR DEAR OLD GREY-HAIRED MOTHER? What would she do on mother's day if she hadn't been my mum and had actually been my secondary-dad?? I mean, the thought of her being pounded by my primary-dad in a writhing, sweaty, hot bed of homo lust fair turns my stomach. The mere thought of them, in an orgy of animalistic rutting! (his eyes unfocus momentarily and his knees sag). Oh... Ooh.   Ooooooh... (he drops back into his chair. His hands disappear under the table, but his eyes remain fixed on the distance)

George: Lyle, calm yourself. We all struggle with the big questions. But we need to react to this public call for so-called "marriage equality", We need to oppose this or we'll all be forced to marry gayists. And I don't need to remind you, gentlemen, that we need to respond to it with the big guns.

Lyle: (whispered). big guns...

Jim: Look, as we all know, there's no way that men can form a functional, well-oiled

Lyle: (more urgently) oiled!

Jim: (ignoring Lyle) unit together. They just can't cooperate and that will obviously be to the detriment of children.

Brian: Weren't you in the Army, Jim?

Jim: Why yes, I was. What does that have to do with men working together for the good of the unit? I did my service. It's where I got my stiff

Lyle: (whispered, louder) stiff!

Jim: upper lip. Are you trying to undermine me, Pastor?

Brian: No, not at all. It was... just a thought. But I don't think we can use the "can't work together" angle. It doesn't ring true to me.

Jim: Well, OK, but we need a coordinated response. One that has muscles

Lyle: (gasping, much louder): muscles!

Peter: Look, we all know that this is a plot by the atheists. They're poisoning the minds of the Australian public with their talk of equality, secularism, love, commitment and the like. I propose we use their greatest argument against them. I'm convinced that if we make them see the folly of their ways using their own beloved science they'll soon come

Lyle: (shrieks) COME!

Peter: ROUND TO OUR WAY OF THINKING. Can somebody deal with Lyle please? (a functionary steps forward and escorts Lyle away. He is sighing, contentedly, as he is dragged out of sight)

Peter: Right, where was I? Oh yes. Gentlemen, we must use... biology.

All: Biology!?!? (various objections from around the table; devil's work! communism! HITLER! A glass smashes. Divers alarums*)

Peter: Calm yourselves Gentlemen! Let me explain. Biology clearly demonstrates that "children" are produced by "women", after they have... congress... with god's chosen leaders, men. You see? So this means that a man and a man can't get married, because that's biology. And a woman and a woman can't get married, because that's biology. You see?

Brian: It's seems so simple when you put it like that, Peter, but I'm not sure

George: Well, I just don't see why we have to talk about women at all. What's the point?

Jim: I don't quite get it, can you go over it one more time?

Peter: OK, it's like this... (lights dim, sound fades, curtain, end of act 1)


ACT TWO: Hooray for Biology

The scene: It is clearly some time later. Saint Sebastian has entirely melted away, leaving only the arrows, scattered amidst a buffet now picked clean. The boardroom table overflows with reams of paper, full ashtrays, empty coffee cups and introductory biology texts. Sleeves are rolled up, collars are opened. Several Spokesmen now have bags under their eyes, and their hair is messed up, as though they've been trying to tear it out in frustration. There are cryptic diagrams scrawled everywhere

Jim: OK, so let me get this clear. The woman, aside from being a near silent kitchen appliance, is also a dutiful incubator for more Junior Soldiers of the LordTM?

George: Yes, that's right. We in the cathoholic faith have been using unconstrained childbirth as a gateway to higher congregation  numbers for years. We've known all about this for ages. We just never thought to use it to attack the homos before.

Brian: Ah, now I see! Because the man and the woman are both needed to produce the "feet-us", obviously gay marriage can't be true. QED, Ipso Facto and Bob's your Uncle

Peter: Yes, and come to that, we can even say it's OK for Bob to be a gayer - as long as he stays quiet about it - because he's your uncle, you see? And not your dad. Definitely not your dad. Not anyone's dad. Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve and all that. Your dad can't be gay because biology. Otherwise, we'd love to have gay marriaging and everything. It's biology.

There are noises of agreement from around the table. It seems that the concept has made itself clear.

Chairman: OK, so it's settled. We'll all issue statements condemning so-called "equal marriage" using biology, and we'll all be sure to say that "it's biology". Because Biology means you can't marry a gayer. It's BIOLOGY, PEOPLE

The table erupts in a chorus of "aye"s and "hallelujah"s. There are cries of "Hooray for Biology!". One spokesman yells "BIOLOGY ROCKS!"

Chairman: MOTION PASSED! RIGHT THEN GENTLEMEN! Measure 24, "humans are an unique creation of the eternal god and not evolved from filthy monkeys". Any thoughts?

Jim: Well, obviously BIOLOGY IS WRONG!!

The table erupts in supportive cries.

Curtain. Blackout.




* whatever they are. Presumably something to do with SCUBA

posted @ Monday, May 14, 2012 5:08 PM


Comments on this entry:

# re: Because Biology (a play in two acts)

Left by Ripples at 5/16/2012 10:44 AM
now that was funny, would love to see it played out though Lyle does concern me somewhat.

# re: Because Biology (a play in two acts)

Left by Jason at 5/16/2012 10:55 AM
We're all a bit concerned about Lyle, to be honest. He needs help.
Comments have been closed on this topic.
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