The Golgafrinchan Solution

OK, guys... don't spread this about too much. We don't want them to catch wind of the plan.

But I've figured out how we can rid ourselves of the useless third of our population that's been causing so much trouble.

You know, chiropractors, tarot readers, crystal therapists, TV psychics, antivaxers, dowsers, naturopaths, homeopaths, pyramid power nuts, 9/11 troofers, climate change denialists, ancient astronaut proponents, creationists, IDiots and other assorted loons. But especially antivaxers.

As we all know, there's been difficulty finding a humane solution to this problem for a long time. We're good people, and we're faced with an insoluble dilemma. These people are holding back our species, but we can't merely wipe them out - that would be utterly inhuman and make us no better than genocidal maniacs like Pol Pot, Slobodan Milosevic or Bishop Misago or John Okello.

So anyway, I was reading an obscure series of books by a virtually unknown British Author named Douglas Noel Adams recently. And it seems he had it all figured out.

First of all, we need a story of impending doom that makes it necessary to get off the planet as soon as possible. This can be tailored to segments of the audience as best fits their particular delusory state. Perhaps the chemtrail programme has got out of control necessitating evacuation, or perhaps the reptilians have finally decided to scorch the earth. Perhaps mass vacination programmes have released chemicals into the environment, resulting in an army of giant armoured spiders that want to eat everyone on earth. Or perhaps - and this one is pretty far fetched I know - perhaps "god" (bear with me, it gets better) has decided that "armageddon" (don't laugh) is due sometime in the next year or so and that "jesus" will be coming back and destroying the earth, but due to a technicality won't be destroying the rest of the universe. We tell those people that they're going to "heaven". I told you not to laugh. Stop laughing.

Anyway, we convince the target audience (herein referred to as the "useless third") that the only way out is to build enormous spaceships and evacuate. We then build three sets of space "arks",  A, B and C. We pack the useless third onto Ark B, and send them on their way, telling them we'll be right behind them, as soon as we've turned the lights out and made sure the cooker is off.

Then we have a big ol' party.

Now, In Adams' original story, the remaining two thirds were ironically wiped out by a virulent disease, so we have to KEEP THE IMMUNOLOGISTS. I'm not sure went wrong in the story, but obviously there must have been some mix up over infectious disease specialists. We also have to make the useless third believe that they're in control, and not being forced out by a scientific elite, otherwise their paranoia will get the better of them and we'll have to coax them onto the ships by throwing homeopathic lollies through the door. No loon can resist the call of a homeopathic lollipop, after all.

The "Golgafrinchan" part of the title comes from Adams' story. The "solution" part comes from John Howard's inspired "Pacific Solution", the name of which totally didn't conjure up any negative connotations oh no. No way. No chance.

So, who's with me?

posted @ Thursday, September 8, 2011 3:36 PM


Comments on this entry:

# re: The Golgafrinchan Solution

Left by Matt at 9/8/2011 7:44 PM
Genius. I'm on board.
Not just the immunologists though. We'll also need the telephone sanitisers.

# re: The Golgafrinchan Solution

Left by Larry, The Barefoot Bum at 9/8/2011 9:02 PM
You are missing the point of Adams' irony: even the "useless" third of people are not only useful, but indispensable.

# re: The Golgafrinchan Solution

Left by Jason at 9/8/2011 10:16 PM
I love it when people turn up with pocket protectors and elastoplast on their spectacles and explain how they see the "humour" unfolding differently and "oh isn't that interesting but you've done it wrong".

It's one of my favourite things.

Adams' point on indispensability (apocryphal or otherwise) is immaterial, Larry, unless we're unpacking and unwinding the humour to the nth degree. I also didn't bring in the biggest irony of the story, which is that the Golgafrinchans are us. Same reason.


# re: The Golgafrinchan Solution

Left by RipleyP at 9/9/2011 11:18 AM
I see no reason we don't keep it simple and just run with the Mutant Star goat.

I always loved that book, might have to go have a read again
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